Relief
by DiamondLoveGood
Summary: Summary: A look into Snape's last year. Depression, angst, character death. Complete!


Unbeta'd. If anyone would like to beta it, I am forever grateful.

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As the headmaster, Snape was obligated to dine with teachers and oversee his students but it took all his strength to do so, day by day.

He had been feared before but it had been almost a year since any student dared to even look at him.

Snape felt like he was becoming invisible.

He forced himself to eat a few peas, not because he cared much about his health but because he hadn't warned Potter yet. And peas were a tricky thing to pick with a fork so he could eat them one by one and pretend he was eating more than two or three bites.

Appearances still needed to be maintained.

Snape could swear that Slughorn had been looking at him a moment ago but as he observed him back, the Potion's Master seemed very intent on his food, more than usual. He never liked the man since he was a boy. Professor Slughorn had recognized and nurtured the best of his students but it seemed that Snape was too clever and good for his class so ironically, he didn't acknowledge his talents at all. Snape didn't pretend false humbleness and was sure that was because he was better than Slughorn, that's why he was ignored.

Out of all the misery Snape lived through in school, being the best in Potions would have been what could have brought him some relief from the constant bullying and it might have elevated him amongst the students. If only the Potion's Master of his time had been a fairer teacher.

He noticed then, the gigantic Hagrid with his head turned away from him. The half-giant was too transparent and done everything he could to pretend Snape didn't exist. He would shuffle when Snape gave him orders or had to talk to him and it was so uncomfortable that he often sent the caretaker messages instead of calling him to his office.

Dumbledore's office...

Before what he started to call 'that night in the astronomy tower', Hagrid always had a word for him or a wave of his hand.

He never fit in anywhere - not even with the Death Eaters when he found what a bunch of psychopaths they were - but this was unbearable.

After 'finishing' his dinner, he nodded to no one in particular and saw Flitwick turn his head to look at him and McGonagall sniff.

After leaving the great hall, he breathed freely, noticing how stiff his shoulders were from all the tension and lowered them.

When Snape arrived at his room, he removed his robes and laid on his bed, feeling drained and despondent.

Two hours later, he fell into an uneasy sleep. He dreamed of Harry calling him a coward, then the scene changed and Dumbledore was begging him to fulfill his obligation as he did before in his office, when he demanded a promise out of the Slytherin.

Snape invoked a hatred as he never felt before or the Avada Kedavra would never have worked and maybe that's why he couldn't use the feeling anymore. Anger was also dwindling and he didn't know what he would be able to use as a driving force.

He went back in time when he was lifted upside down and his peers laughed at him.

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If anyone noticed the increasing shadow under his eyes, no one mentioned besides Dumbledore's portrait. Phineas Nigellus also seemed bent on cheering the new headmaster but they were not people.

Albus had been the only friend he ever had. Lucius had seduced him with compliments but he found he was only being groomed to become a Death Eater. In the face of competition, their 'friendship' never stood the test.

After Albus, McGonagall had been the closest to him and he came to appreciate her a lot. He knew that she would never forgive him - not that she should - but it was particularly painful when they ended up dueling. When he saw the daggers, it was like she had pierced him already for she dueled to kill, unlike him. He had no other option but to flee when they all turned against him, as he knew they would.

Snape would rather die than hurt anyone else in Hogwarts, the only home he ever had.

Snape became desperate when he saw Nagini. Things were unfolding exactly as the old man predicted and now he was out of time. If he dared to run to look for Potter, he would be killed. He trained hard to become the best duelist there ever was, but he was no match for the Slytherin's heir. Or Dumbledore for that matter. If he just tried to insist that he could bring the boy to the Dark Lord, maybe he would have a chance.

It didn't work. When he was lifted from the ground he knew pain more excruciating than ten cruciatus at the same time - which he received once when he was just out of Hogwarts.

His only regret was that he hadn't found Potter yet. When he fell to the ground, he fumbled with his robes' pockets, looking for his antidote he developed after Arthur Weasley's attack. He had to find the boy and tell him or all would be lost. If not, Albus' death would have been for nothing.

When he saw Potter remove his invisibility cloak, followed by the others who composed the golden trio, he breathed a little better.

'Take... It!' He begged desperately.

He was already having hallucinations. He saw Potter there but then suddenly, it looked like Lilly took his place. And then her son was back.

He closed his eyes for a while or the dunderhead would not leave. When he heard them gone, he fumbled with his vials again. There were blood replenishers, his antidote and pain relievers...

His breathing was slowing down...

It seemed so important to live just a while ago... But that's because his mission hadn't finished yet, he remembered.

He felt a calm envelop him like he never felt before. His fingers released the vial he was holding. His breathing slowed even more.

He saw a torch or some sort of light being lit from the corner of his eyes, but he couldn't move anymore. It seemed like someone was walking towards him.

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I'd looove to hear your feelings in this.

It is a happy or sad ending, according to what you know about this world and the next ;)

Thank you for taking this journey with me! I was hurting alongside Snape and loved imagining this piece.

Review is fuel.

Love, Crystal.

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Find me at CrystaLoveGood Livejournal and Tumblr


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